“Hasn’t your father arranged your marriage, yet?”
Add that to the list of questions that have caught me off
guard in Nepal. I used to answer with a long explanation about how we typically
don’t have arranged marriages in the US. These days, however, I simply smile
and say, “No, not yet.”
I wonder what your first thought is when you think about the
concept of arranged marriage? I used to think it totally crazy. Oppressive,
even. And let me be clear – I’m in no way supportive of a marriage arrangement
that oppresses either party. Three years into Nepali living, however, I’ve been
wowed by the beauty of the arrangement spectrum I’ve seen. Allow me to explain.
My first exposure to an arranged marriage was through my
language teacher, Sama. Sama teaches many foreigners and knows that arranged
marriage is a concept we don’t easily grasp. But she has been married to Hari for
nearly 20 years and as she describes it, “It may be arranged, but we love each
other deeply. We’re committed to each other. We choose to commit, and from that
love grows.” Just spend time with them and you’ll agree.
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| Hari and Sama. |
During the most recent wedding season, I was given two invitations to different weddings on the same day. (Thankfully, at the same banquet hall.) The first was a completely arranged marriage. Roshni had never met her would-be husband, Sanjay. Rather, she was quite eager to get married and gave her parents the go ahead to start looking on her behalf. The parents’ role is critical, as they consider their own son or daughter, their family as a whole, and what kind of spouse would be a good match.
Not long after beginning the search for Roshni’s husband,
her parents found him. An intelligent, hard-working Nepali guy living and
working in Texas for the last several years. He and his family agreed, and he flew
home to meet Roshni for the first time just weeks before their wedding. When
asked how they felt about (what I considered to be) such a quick arrangement,
they simply said, “It feels like we’ve known each other forever.” Both they and
their families were – and still are
– thrilled. They’re choosing daily to commit.
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| Roshni (far right) and Sanjay (far left) on their wedding day with Roshni's family. |
The wedding next door that day was my good friend, Dr. Arjun.
Arjun and Sushmeeta had noticed each other at the hospital where they were both
working at the time. While they didn’t exactly “date,” they found themselves
quite interested in one another and knew with some certainty that their
parents would look favorably on arranging their marriage. One meeting with the
parents and within weeks, not only was the engagement
finalized, but the wedding itself had taken place.
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| Arjun and Sushmeeta during their wedding ceremony -- getting close enough for a photo wasn't easy! |
Of course, not all marriages in Nepal are arranged. Another
good friend has been dating her boyfriend for several years and they’re planning to marry soon. Thankfully, her parents approve. This type of “love marriage,” as it’s called, is not the
norm, but is definitely on the rise.
Once again, the more I learn about the multi-faceted
aspects of Nepali culture, the more I marvel. Marvel as I realize that foreign does not equal better or worse. Simply beautiful in previously unrecognized ways. Arranged marriage – and the choice to commit – is growing on me. So, if you happen to have an eligible bachelor in mind, just let me know… I’ll give you my dad’s number.
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| We're thankful for Nepali friends who help dress us (literally) for the festivities. |
